11 replies to this topic

[bellovesadam]

Dh and i love each other and had a baby girl 4 months ago.

Im finding it difficult with him at the moment and quite honestly since we have been together for him to give up certain things. E.g. purchasing things. It always seems to be his way or the highway and everyone else misses out on buying things or wanting to do things.

So i get an email from his mum over in Adelaide and we have a vintage car (which is currently not in a working mode) along with a few other things and his mum would like all of this out within the next 3-6 months. She is willing to pay for the transport of it over here as well as a cheap garage. Whilst i would love to keep this vintage car, we honestly dont have the room to store it and it will more than likely just sit around doing nothing and taking up valuable living space.

My DH has basically said we are bringing it over no if's or but's and basically it is his way or the highway type of attitude. I honestly do not know what to do. Over the past month he has bought various remote controlled helicopters amounting to over $600 whilst i cant afford to even go and get my hair cut.

I honestly have tried talking to him but he gets his back up and thinks im trying to make him have nothing. Im really at a loss.

Also i find that he isnt that hands on with our daughter and im constantly doing everything (which i dont mind as i love my daughter).

So if anyone has any comments or ways i could get around this i would love to hear this as it is really making me upset.

[Missdee]

Maybe he physically can't "see" his purchases? Why don't u bring them all out ie last six months and you bring out your stuff and "show" him. Then tell him you want to speak properly about it as it is affecting you and ur relationship

Dunno that's what I'd do

Hth

[safarifun]

Good idea Dee!

I honestly have no idea but I hope you can find the happy medium you are seeking.

Is he the bread winner while you are the valuable sahm? You need you treats too!

[Jess]

Would an "allowance" system work for you both? That way you each have money to spend on whatever you choose without the other person missing out?

Sorry I don't have any other advice (((hugs)))

[bellovesadam]

WE both get money to spend. Though i often miss out on my money as i want him to have things. He is the breadwinner whilst im a stay at home mum.

I just feel that I am the one to suffer as he uses the example of saying that i was going to move to Adelaide to live with him but there was more support here for me so he moved to Perth.

I honestly have tried the show him what he has purchased and he says well we will sell it all and i will have nothing and just go on the computer. I dont have a problem with him buying things but it is the fact he uses them for about 2-3 weeks and than it will sit around as he has found something better.

[Missdee]

To me by the way you have posted he is acting very childish..

Like a tanty ... Look at all the stuff u have bought- FINE ! I'll sell them all and big a big fat SOOK and have nothing

I'd play it on him then and go ok you want to play tanty game, let's sell the lot and u can just sit on the computer

Sounds like he is 10 or something

I remember being like that back in my days of kid land lol

[Kitikova]

If he only uses them for a couple of weeks, sell the ones he's not using and go get your haircut.
Then work out what it's going to cost in terms of storage for the car when it's over and tell him that's coming out of his allowance.

Also, I know you said you give up your part of the allowance because you want him to have nice things, but in a way you are creating the problem you're now facing. Perhaps it's time to start using your allowance and putting some effort into meeting your own needs too. That way you might help ease that 'he gets to buy anything he wants and I don't get anything' feeling you are struggling with. Even if you just 'spend' the money into a high interest savings account rather than having it go into his frivolous spending.

I doubt the current culture you are living in developed overnight, so it may take a while to change it to one you are more comfortable with :-)

[bellovesadam]

It is like a tanty. Hopefully he will come around soon enough and realise what he is doing. Just need to be strong and say no i think.

[kaja]

I would say go get your hair cut. Use a credit card if you need to. It obviously won't solve the problem but it mightake you feel better in the short term til you work out a solution. A haircut is not a life changing amount of money. Don't worry about your baby - some new dads are a bit nervous around their newborns and young babies. He'll come around. My dh did, especially once they started communicating with him. She's been with you for 9 months longer than him, it's probably all still a bit new for him.

[Kitikova]

Ohh I wanted to add - 4-5mths post baby every woman NEEDS a haircut. It's when the post-baby shed starts happening and no matter how great your hair before, it just goes blah! So regardless of everything else, a haircut 4mths after having a baby is an essential

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bellovesadam, on 21 September 2011 - 07:23 PM, said:

WE both get money to spend. Though i often miss out on my money as i want him to have things. He is the breadwinner whilst im a stay at home mum.

I just feel that I am the one to suffer as he uses the example of saying that i was going to move to Adelaide to live with him but there was more support here for me so he moved to Perth.

I honestly have tried the show him what he has purchased and he says well we will sell it all and i will have nothing and just go on the computer. I dont have a problem with him buying things but it is the fact he uses them for about 2-3 weeks and than it will sit around as he has found something better.

to that i would say GOOD hurry up and list them on ebay! TBH there is nothing wrong with acting the bitch sometimes if he has to go without then he has to go without and deal with it! after all he is an adult.

[BlissBomb]

I agree with Kitikova, if you are giving up your 'treats' so that he he can have his, you are putting yourself second to him which is not going to be healthy for your self worth/self esteem. When you pull him up on his purchases of course he will react badly cos he enjoys getting what he wants (who doesn't lol) and doesn't want that to be taken away from him. IMHO, obviously going off only what you've said in this thread maybe you need to look at yourself and say "Right, I'm working hard at this SAHM/relationship/life thing and I deserve to treat myself too" you need to make YOU happy to be happy in the relationship and if you spend your energy trying to make him happy and putting yourself second then you won't be doing either of you any favours.... so make a conscious effort to reward yourself, don't do things just to make him smile - look after yourself as well. So personally I would sell off what he doesn't use if he's given his blessing to do so (tanty or not) and treat yourself.

I might be totally off track, but that's my opinion lol - we have had issues here between the two of us and when I sat down and thought about it I was doing a lot of things just to make DH happy, cos of course I love him and want him to be happy but at the end of the day I realised I was putting myself second to his needswants and it was really getting me down and feeling trapped almost.... since I started doing things for ME he's actually been more content. It certainly didn't fix everything and our relationship still needs a lot of work but it's a start

And also, remember you're a bundle of crazy hormones at the moment too so some things that might be feeling like really big problems you may look back on in a couple of months and say meh what was I thinking!?

Edited by emjai, 16 October 2011 - 08:10 PM.