23 replies to this topic

[dan]

OK Ladies.

Have at it with you jokes and funny stories.

[dan]

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This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board.

This is allegedly a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked
away with a Darwin Award.....well not walked away exactly!

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Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning"
as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work,
I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 250 Kgs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the
roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.

Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow
descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report
form that I weigh 79 kgs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the
ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone.

As listed in Section 3 of the accidents report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were Two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by
this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly
to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks
hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 25 kgs.
I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my
injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on
the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure
and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the
empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two
broken legs. I hope this answers your query.

Robert A.

[lediva]

You know I'll be a frequent visitor here!!

Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
End up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped..

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University).
So that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

Richie Benaud!

Mr. And Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Richie Benaud
Because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?


*


OK!
Here it is!


*


*


A
COMMONTATER

Edited by lediva, 13 July 2011 - 12:35 PM.

[Nomadic]

pmsl lediva

[Nomadic]

pmsl lediva! thats so awful its so good.

[Candy_Apple]

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says 'Why in the world do you need cyanide'

The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says 'I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!'

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist takes one look at the picture and says.....






'Ohhhhhh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!'

[Missdee]

Candy_Apple, on 13 July 2011 - 01:02 PM, said:

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says 'Why in the world do you need cyanide'

The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says 'I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw us both in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!'

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist takes one look at the picture and says.....






'Ohhhhhh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!'

[Missdee]

what does a gyno and a pizza man have in common ?

[Nadzicle]

something icky? xD

[dan]

Missdee, on 13 July 2011 - 02:20 PM, said:

what does a gyno and a pizza man have in common ?

Wow that reminds me of the old joke....


How do you keep an idiot in suspense....


....


I'll tell you tommorow.

[Missdee]

dan, on 14 July 2011 - 02:53 AM, said:

Missdee, on 13 July 2011 - 02:20 PM, said:

what does a gyno and a pizza man have in common ?

Wow that reminds me of the old joke....


How do you keep an idiot in suspense....


....


I'll tell you tommorow.

They can both smell it but can't eat it !!!!

[lediva]

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.
She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


1. Don't change horses - Until they stop running.
2. Strike while the- Bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of- Termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but- How?
6. Don't bite the hand that - Looks dirty.
7. No news is - Impossible
8. A miss is as good as a- Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new- Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll - Stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust- - Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the - Pigs.
13. An idle mind is- The best way to relax.
14.. Where there's smoke there's- Pollution.
15. Happy the bride who- Gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is- Not much.
17. Two's company, three's- The Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what- You put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and- You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as- Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not- Spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed- Get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you- See in the picture on the box
24.. When the blind lead the blind - Get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand- Is going to poop on you.
26 Better late than- Pregnant


Enjoy:)

Edited by lediva, 14 July 2011 - 08:20 AM.

[kaja]

Hehe Lediva.

[kaja]

Hehe Lediva.

[lediva]

this one is kind of rude! but its very cleverly done & funny! I think so anyhow:)



:

[Nadzicle]

Can't listen to it, Shen's in here, and is sick, but is it the assuming song or something else?

[lediva]

its a song but just for us 'big ppl'.

listen later.

[lediva]

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[rox_boyce]

Abbot looked at Gillard, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 note out of the window right now and make somebody very happy." Gillard shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange, the pilot of plane said to his co-pilot,"Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 23 million people very happy!"

[Indigo08]

QUESTIONS YOU JUST CAN'T ANSWER

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder.....
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Edited by Indigo08, 10 August 2011 - 12:16 PM.

[lediva]

Priceless!!

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm an obedient wife and I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."


hahaha

[VickiG]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.



Hillbilly asks her,"kin ya swallar?"



The woman shakes her head no.



Hillbilly asks her "kin ya breathe?"



Woman shakes her head no.



Hillbilly walks over,lifts up her dress, yanks down britches and licks her butt cheek.



The woman has a violent spasm and spits out food.



The hillbillies' buddy says "ya know,I heerd of that there hind lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it".....

[Candy_Apple]

A man and his wife are in the shower together when the door bell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door.

At the door was her husbands friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband is in the shower and to come back later. Instead, Ben steps in quietly and says 'I have $400 in my pocket, I'll give it to you, if you open your robe for me'.

She's offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe and lets Ben have a quick look before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, she gestures for him to leave but he says 'I have another $400 in my other pocket. I'll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts.' Now she's really mortified, but again, she needs the money. She undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the $400 from him, she lets him out the door.

Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty.

'Who was that?' the husband asks.

'Oh it was just Ben' the wife answers.

'Ben?' the husband says.


'That jerk owes me 800 bucks!'

Edited by Candy_Apple, 22 September 2011 - 10:27 PM.

[Candy_Apple]

How do you get a sweet, little old lady to say the 'F' word?




Get another sweet, little old lady to yell 'B-I-N-G-O!'